Death by Treadmill

It’s with great sadness that I share the passing of our dear friend, Heidi Van Heel.

Heidi was a lot of things to many people. She was a trusted confidant, a Google-certified physician, and an enthusiastic drinking companion. But, she was also a dedicated health and fitness aficionado who worked tirelessly to fight the perimenopausal spread of her ass.

Her untimely death comes as a shock to us all, but we can find comfort in the knowledge that she died doing something she truly loved: Running on her beloved treadmill while watching television. And, while it would have come as a surprise to have the treadmill suddenly stop working when her husband turned off the breaker powering machine, the fact that she was watching an episode of Broad City at the time assures us that she was probably laughing in the final moments of her life as she hurtled through the air.

Brian Carpenter, Heidi’s husband, was unable to comment on the details of this ghastly accident because his motives are currently under investigation. Was he really decorating for the holidays and didn’t realize the front door electrical line also powered the outlet to her treadmill? Had the current political climate and her reluctance to leave the country finally broken him? Or had he simply grown weary of her devotion to her cherished treadmill? We may never know for sure…

What we do know is that as upsetting as this tragedy is, Heidi wouldn’t want us to wallow in her death or, worse yet, stop using our treadmills while watching television. No. She would want us to get back on our machines without fear – after making sure our loved ones don’t have access to the breaker box.

In lieu of flowers, Heidi’s family is requesting that Netflix and Hulu memberships be made in her memory so more people can continue sharing her love of exercise while watching television.